What I Learned Last Weekend

My childhood friend, who is just one month older than I and who also happens to be my niece, died on Christmas morning after knowing for just 8 weeks that she had cancer.

This past Friday much of her cremated remains were buried in her adopted and most beloved city of Palo Alto. My sisters and I were there as were other family members and close friends.

The 'service', if you will, was relaxed, filled with humor, verse and song, with people sharing their truth about Janice. It made me cry. She was a much loved and revered person and the words that others spoke about her, with such love and admiration, touched me deeply.

I couldn't share my truth.  My truth is so conflicted that I hardly know what to think. My truth is wrapped up in childhood delights of shared adventures, innocent and wonderful; other adventures that got us into trouble and to me were troubling. We both loved the outdoors, horses, nature, singing. Then she became a teenager and I didn't know what to think.

She matured faster than I, city girl that she was, and, as we grew older, shocked me into speechlessness at times with her worldly ways. At least I thought they were worldly. And as we grew older yet, even though I loved her dearly, we grew apart.

We sent birthday cards to each other, visited at family gatherings, talked a bit, but my life of raising children was so different from hers in her chosen field in academia that we didn't keep in touch in between.

In the last few years the birthday cards became E-cards and resulted in email exchanges, sharing parts of our lives with each other which brought us a tiny bit closer together but not close enough. Not close enough.

Now that her life is over, I am filled with regret that I didn't keep her close to me, know her better, admire her for the person whom so many others took such great delight in and received loving support from, even if she was so different from me.

This is what I learned last weekend:  Don't let your family and friends drift away. If you don't see eye to eye on some things, find the things that you can agree on - even if it's by virtue of being related - and let the rest go.

In the long run, differences don't matter. Keeping the bond of love strong does.